BiteSoundBite

So I'm trying to sell my boat. I put the boat on craigslist under the listing "Fugly but useful fishing boat" (so I'm not exactly a marketing guru or even a semi-competent salesman. I'm just a guy that wants to sell his boat, ok) and waited for a reply. This is the very first reply (via email) I received:

Hello
i saw your advert on the web,i am interested in
buying your(Fugly but useful fishing boat)am based in west africa.
My shipping broker will be coming for the pickup
after payment as been made.
i am willing to pay $600
Get back to me if my offer is ok by you.
Have a nice day.
regards

I was somewhat annoyed that the first reply I received was just a version of the old Nigerian email scam. I was much more annoyed with what a shoddy job they did of it. I mean, come on! You guys have been at this for years. Is it really that hard to write a script that doesn't include "()" around the title of the post you are replying to? It's a dead give-away and it is just sloppy. Did the Nigerian Email Scam Project Manager just not include in the the project specs or did the programmer screw up? Either way, really lame, dudes.

I had a couple of minutes to kill so I did the old write-back-just-to-fuck-with-the-scammer thing. I know, it's been done before but the sloppiness made me angry and, like I said, I had a few minutes to kill.

Fantastic!

I'm very delighted to hear of your interest in purchasing my (Fugly but uselful
fishing boat). I feel guilty, however, to note that I did not mention in my
initial advertisement that this particular boat is plagued with the Ebola Virus.
I've tried to treat it with antibiotics and even some herbal remedies that I
picked up off the internets, but nothing seems to work. I hope that this is not
a deal-breaker for you.

Would you be willing to forward me a cashiers check for the boat? Because that
would be swell.

Also, if it is not too much trouble, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't mind
tattooing a crawfish to your buttocks and make it dance very crawfish like (for
verification purposes, you need to be extra careful when dealing with people on
these internets you understand). Be tasteful about it though, I only need it
for verification purposes and I'm not into smut.

I look forward to doing business with you.

James K. Polk

I received the following message within a day:

Hello,
Thanks for getting back to me.i also want to buy it asap.
Like i said earlier i am based in the Western africa
.there won't be any probs about the shipment,after payment ,the pick
up will be made at your
place. i have made arrangements with the prepaid
shipping company.
As regards payment,this is what i am going to do.I
have a client in the US
who is owing me $3,000 i would instruct him to
makeout a certified check to you in that amount and as soon as it
clears your bank. you can now
deduct your money from it and send me my balance,i
will be using part of the money to pay for the shipping and other
expenses.you will then send my
balance by via western union money
transfer.Although the value of the check
is more than the asking price but i think i should
be able to trust you
with my balance even as a man of law enforcement.
So i would like you to deduct the western union
charges from my balance.So if my terms are
acceptable to you,i would like you to give me your
full name,address and phone number so that i can
instruct my client to make out the check to you.
Pls get back to me as soon as you get this mail so
that we can round things up in a timely fashion..i
will be trusting in this business transaction. get
back to me.
Thanks in this regards

So now I'm pissed. I take the time to write them and all I get back is a form letter? Something else is wrong here, though. Something is off. The English is actually pretty good. There is just something very perfunctory about it. It lacks style. It lacks art. The customer service is lousy and there is obviously communication problems between the Program Manager and staff. It just seems so famili...OH MY FUCKING GOD! I've got it! The Nigerians have outsourced their email scam to India!

I'm so angry at this point that I can't think about anything but kicking that talentless douchebag Thomas Friedman in the nuts. I send a quick reply.

Wow, that is a great offer and you can totally, totally trust me to send
you the balance of your $3000! If you need a reference as to my good character
I can give you my mothers phone number. She will totally vouch for me.

I have yet to receive the buttocks crawfish picture, though. As soon as I
receive that, we can begin the transaction.

You're so totally cool!

Sincerely,

James "Dead Prez" Polk

Shortly afterwards I receive this:

I want you to get back to me with your contact name and address you want the check to be payable to so that i can quickly forward it to my client to issue the check to you without any delay. get back to me as soon as possible.

Thank you.

I am absolutely exasperated. Is it really too much to ask that I get a real-live Indian pretending to be an African to write to me? How did it come to this? Was Nigerian labor really that expensive? I remember being very supportive when the Nigerian Email Scammers finally formed a union (NESU). I had never been that fond of the Nigerian Email Scammers management and I figured that through the union the workers would at least get a better cut and would get better training to hone their art. What went wrong? Crooked or incompetent union bosses? It's depressing. Ok, one more but I'm going to give up soon.

My friend,

You are a business man. I understand that. I am/was also a business man. I
ran my own lemonade stand this summer, so I know where you are coming from.
Speaking of my lemonade stand, did you know that if you sell a glass of lemonade
for $.01 each you can actually lose money? This was ok with me at first (like
you, I understand that sometimes you have to lose money to make money), but when
my secret ingredient was discovered and the police got involved it just became
too much of a hassle. So, again, I know where you are coming from.

If I had received your generous offer exactly four years ago, I would have given
you my address right away, but then on 9/11/2001 Saddam blew up the Oklahoma
City Towers and everything changed. Security is important and I have to watch
what I say so that I don't have to fight with you over here.

Now that I think of it, I think maybe I am being really rude and unusual. You
probably don't have crawfish where you are and that is why you have not sent the
security picture. If that is the case I am very, very sorry and embarrased. I
am not actually the cultural elite that my good writing would suggest. Because
of my stupid mistake, I will accept a tattoo of any crustacean of your choice on
your buttocks.

I hope to hear from you soon. The more I think of our business the more excited
I get!

Love,

James "mostly worms" Polk

I'll try and keep you good people updated on this, but right now I'm going through my "People I Hate" rolodex to figure out which address to send him. In case you are wondering, everybody in that rolodex receives just a cheap Christmas card that I bought in bulk with a quick note. My real friend gets a genuine Hallmark card with a letter attached.

3 Comments:

• That has to be one of the funniest things I've ever read.

By  dbackdad, at 3:06 PM  

• Thanks, dback! It looks like it is over since I have not received another email since.

By  Jamison, at 10:50 AM  

• I think it was the BSP (Buttock Security Picture) that scared him off. Indians are very sensitive about which body parts they're willing to use. You might try letting him put it on his forehead--I understand they're comfortable with that.

Write him back. This is too good to stop now.

By  Mick, at 2:35 AM  

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